Right Speech: Why You Probably Should Just Shut The Fuck Up

The Grumpy Buddha thought long and hard (at least twenty or thirty seconds) about which bit of the Eightfold Path to describe first, and he settled on Right Speech. Why? Three reasons:

• It's the easiest aspect to describe
• It's the toughest aspect for His Grumpiness to follow

And most importantly,

• It's not actually the toughest aspect for His Grumpiness to follow. He just doesn't want to, because he's a gossipy, whiny bitch. 

Fact is, while none of the aspects are easy, many of them get violated through reflex or lack of care. I may want to be able to concentrate, but simply not be able to find the energy; I may want to be mindful, but get stuck in auto-pilot; I may want to understand why some element of Buddhist thought should work, but get lost in goofy paradoxes or other complexities.

With Right Speech, much of the time I know I'm being a douche, and I go through with it anyway. It's a conscious violation, and thus, deserving of scorn.

The general guidelines for Right Speech are as follows:

1. Don't lie (or mislead or misrepresent)
2. Don't complain about others ("divisive speech" and gossip)
3. Don't insult others ("harsh speech") 
4. Don't babble (pointless speech and "idle chatter")

As the bigview site puts it, "Positively phrased, this means to tell the truth, to speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary."**

Now, the problems with Right Speech are pretty obvious. Specifically with regard to items #2 and #3, well . . . Fact is, most people suck, and need to hear advice on how they can stop sucking so badly.

And those of us who know that certain people suck, need to discuss these people (and how much they suck) because we need to plan on how to live our lives around their suckiness.

No more making fun of people behind their backs? Can you imagine a world in which you would be discouraged to create or share images such as this?

Neither can I, my friend. Neither can I.

The problem with #4 is different: we are social creatures, and "small talk" serves a social purpose. It puts others at ease and . . . I dunno, some shit like that. Frankly, His Grumpiness is only marginally social, hates small talk, thinks Twitter is fucking retarded (unless you're funny, and sorry, you're not) and ditto with all of that Facebook crap. Talk about your idle chatter. So he's going to give #4 a pass. And because he's not a moral reprobate, ditto with #1.

But hoo-ey, boy, #2 and #3 -- His Grumpiness can't complain about stupid people? Or tell them that they're stupid?!

Seriously? What about evil people?

Well . . . luckily, there's a bit of a loophole (one which I will be stretching big enough to fly a Boeing 747 through, thank you very much.) One is allowed to say things that are true, that others need to know, even if they are disagreeable, but one must only say them at the proper time and place, and then, "skillfully."

So you can pretty much say whatever you want, as long as it's true, and then excuse it with a slight head shake, a shrug, and a gentle "It needed to be said."

Still, this can only be stretched so far. It is difficult to rationalize yelling at someone, or making fun of someone, or nagging someone, or calling someone's integrity into question, and then defending it as saying there was really no better time, place, or method to deliver an identical message.

Unfortunately.

In fact, the Grumpy One recently had an experience in his own life where he told a colleague that she was a shitty scientist. It was more elegant than that, of course -- it was one of those acerbic, biting, concise and precise one-liners that get right to the heart of things in one efficient (and against a less tolerant person, fatal-to-the-relationship) jab. Anyway, as brilliant as it was, it was also . . . unskillful, not to mention unwise, and he made sure to apologize. It's but one case of many where I knew better, but couldn't -- no, CHOSE not to resist the urge. (I will point out, in my favor, that later, as I was going all Mindful on my douchebaggery, I made sure than when apologizing, I didn't give any half-baked or even full-baked excuses -- no "I was having a bad day" crap.)

So that's what I'll be working on now. Perhaps someday in the future I will be able to resist the urge to make fun of creationists, Scientologists, bad comedians, and assholes in general, but that time has not yet arrived.

What I can do, though, is try to make it so that in my personal life, I'm more careful in what I say, how I say it, when I say it.

I fully expect to go the way of Malcolm at the end of this episode. But we'll see.


 

**Apparently, proper grammar *coughshouldbewarmlynotwarmcough* is not required in Right Speech.